Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days