*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
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devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*