Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

I hope this email finds you in a well

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.