Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
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ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas