Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store