Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

We have haunted loft which is problem attic.

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.