Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.