Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

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Password ex…

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

Why I divorced her.

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still