Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

You’re never alone. Theres mold

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

🐴

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down