When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
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I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Meow
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in