I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
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Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
good morning
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them