Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.