Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore

Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7

Me: same thing

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

Track coach: run like the wind!

Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?