Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

Is this anything

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount