So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
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ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Bread puns are on the rise!
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*