when the doctor brings med students into your exam
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Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I stand by it
I could open a chip bag on the back 40 and my 6yo gonna show up outta no where wanting some like how tf does he do that!?
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.