Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”