Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”