a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
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My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Gods work.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else