When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
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Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling