Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP

“No”

WE WON’T ASK AGAIN

“No”

Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them