Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
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My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray