Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.