Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died