Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower