Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

[airport]

GF: I guess this is goodbye

ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes

GF: [crying] Goodbye

ME: [trying real hard] Hello

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.