Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

I can’t deal with men any longer

Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…

Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

hey, alexa

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Discuss

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?