Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

Sometimes? I’m slipping

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.