It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
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doing some research
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I’m not proud
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.