Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
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Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
house sitting!
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔