I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
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me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Dead
Alive
Other✔
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
When news reporters do sports stories
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.