Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.