Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.