Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

#BrexitIn5Words

He’s just not into EU

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.

incredible book dedication

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds