One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
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Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car