Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

Best goalkeeper.. 😅

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.