Whoa 😂
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Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all