Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
You Might Also Like
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
