Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

my dad when a sex scene comes on

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

🙂🐾

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ