Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

not to brag, but mine was free

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

ㅤ

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

Not recommended for beginners.

Trying

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”