Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

Fruity

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing