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My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
You don’t even know
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Growing out my freckles.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”