Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

Sex so good you see dead people.

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

lmfao

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”