Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people