I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
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Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.