Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

Me too 😆

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

💯😂

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!