Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

If a snake ate a cake

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.