what is cheese if not milk persevering
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[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Just organising my finances.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.