Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
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Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child