Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

Good morning, Twitter 😊

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

This probably isn’t good

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.

Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!

This has made my week.